what if?
“I’ve learned everything there is to know about loneliness, now it’s just punishment”
– Oliver, drunk, skinny, bitter (and alone) old sea captain.
Now…right now…think of your wife, your husband, your boyfriend, girlfriend, lover…your soulmate. Picture his/her face, the crooked smile, the dimples, the crow’s feet, the full smile, the tears, the furrowed brow, the squinted and twinkled eye, the burst of laughter, the silent concentration, the bristly beard, the peachfuzz, the serenity and innocence it exudes in sleeping repose.
Now picture her/his hands, the spidery delicacy of veins, the slender fingers, the callouses, the nicked fingernail, the whisperingly soft touch, the firm grip of support, the gestures, picture that hand resting in yours as if it knew all along that it belonged just there.
Now picture his/her body, that symmetrical, finite-yet-endlessly surprising landscape, the nape of the neck, small of the back, the hollow behind the knee, an ankle, the spine, the belly…flat or rounded or expansive, you can see it in your mind’s eye, right now, in all its dimensions, you can map it out with all of your senses, it is, really, another you, that’s how truly you know it.
Now picture his/her mind, the quirks and angles of thought, its perceptiveness, sensitivity, empathy, and agility, its ability to carry you through every emotion, how it contradicts itself and you, yet somehow it always brings you back, and in fact gently sets you down in a new place, a better one. Now close your eyes for one minute and imagine him or her in all his/her vividness and act as a witness to what feelings that image inspires.
What if you found yourself thousands of miles apart?
What if that distance was growing every day, inexorably?
What if along with the distance, the months and years flowed right under your feet and away?
What if you somehow felt that you would never be able to see her or him again?
But…what if…what if you had a chance at a second chance?
would you take it?
What if I asked you if you believe in love?
but maybe you’re too young to be able to believe in it, maybe it’s still just an abstraction or some shiny sugar-plastic words from a hannah montana song. You’re all about crushes and giggles, glances, and feigned indifference, sweaty palms and pimply cheeks all blushed with infatuation.
Maybe you’re too cynical, too jaded to believe in it. to you it’s just an artifice, a farce, an empty holy grail, a tragi-comedy that you’re too smart to take part in, get sucked into. It’s for dreamers and dunces…a dance for the ignorant and impressionable…maybe to you it’s just plain old pathetic.
Maybe you’re too hurt to believe in it. Maybe your belief in it is at this very moment getting a major league beatdown, gnawed on, stepped on, crapped on, thrown about, wrung dry, bitchslapped, abused, twisted, decieved, tainted, crushed, torn apart, shattered, defiled, ruined, drive-by-shot at and it’s all to immediate to really be able to say that you could ever believe in it again…if you even did in the first place.
Maybe you’re too cold to believe in it. Maybe to you it’s just a slushing flow of hormones, chemicals and electrical signals triggering a heavy dose of endorphins, maybe it’s just a cultural construct used to make sure that two people stay together long enough to raise offspring to independance, or just another word for mutual respect.
Maybe you’ve always wanted to believe in it but it just hasn’t happened yet. You expect it as you turn every corner in your life, with every day you awake and stretch a long-morning stretch, with every kiss and caress, every long conversation, but it just hasn’t arrived.
what if I told you I believe in it.
what if I told you that I once felt it whole and real?
What if I told you I took a blade to it?
What if I told you how I ruined it?
What if I told you I could happily do without it.
What if I told you I was very wrong?
What if I told you every secret about loneliness?
What if I told you what I want?
What if I told you what I now know?
What if I told you I have a second chance?
Do you think I’d take it?
Do you think I’d do my best to make it happen?
What if I told you I am taking that chance?
Would you believe me?
What if you did?
What would you say?
And what does it mean?
It means that I’m not walking. And won’t be until that second chance says either “yes” or “no”. If it’s a “yes” I would happily never take another step from that scrubby flatland in central panama where I stopped. If it’s a “no” I haven’t a clue what I might do…but I might very well return to the walk…I wonder if it would be worth it.
You see, I’ve come to realize alot of things recently. One of them is that I don’t want my walk to define me, as it has these last 5 years. I want the person I love to define me.
Our history is complicated, and my part in it much less than admirable (some call that quality by the term despicable) and I thought it was as over as over can be. Then I saw her. I Realized that she is (and this is a much-debated concept, some believe in it, others scoff) “the one”. She told me recently, just before slipping off her shoes, emptying her pockets, setting her purse on the conveyor and stepping through the rectangular metal detector, as pig-eyed cops looked on (airport security checkpoints really take the romanticism out of pre-flight goodbyes) and said, “Ian, be patient” which I took for a “Ian, I’m yours, just let me get some stuff figured out, ok?” (of course, my imagination could just be running away with me and she might actually be saying “ian, keep waiting, because it’ll be a cold day in hell before I take you back”) so, I’m being patient…waiting.
not walking. waiting. no walk. wait. walk? no. wait? yes.
Posted in blogism
February 12th, 2008 at 3:44 am
what the heck r u getting married or something?
February 12th, 2008 at 4:18 am
dude if your getting married I’m invited right. and as in invited i mean like the ring bearer and what not.
or a flower girl, I’m cool with that.
i dont even mind waiting, like a couple of years, a couple of months. whatever it is, i will be a flower girl.
HEY YOU COULD COME BACK HERE AND SUB OUR CLASS??? SINCE YOU AREN’T WALKING AND ALL….?? good idea to ME. and like everyone else at waluga. anyways.
oh yeah good writing haha.
February 12th, 2008 at 4:19 am
good job just throw ur whole walk away ian
February 12th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
go for it, bro. You’re living the life experience. The walk is part of the experience, but the real experience is life. Keep living it. Buena suerte.
Brian
February 13th, 2008 at 12:25 am
hey just keep updating your website! we all love hearing from you!! if you run out of money you should just try and publish some writing!! it’s amazing!!!
February 13th, 2008 at 1:31 am
it’s almost kind of painful to hear that the walk wasn’t fun for you anymore… after all this… inspiration it’s given us
February 13th, 2008 at 1:32 am
PROFE! your writing is great but it kinda leaves big empty holes! fill us in on some more of the details please! i think your decision is great either way! follow your heart, man!
February 13th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
do not ride in jeeps late at night through mountain passes with a sleepy driver with disturbingly small hands.
do not eat raw vegetables that haven’t been, irradiated, chorified, triple boiled, steam blasted, antibiotocized, and jet-washed with certifiably purified, sterile water before your very eyes.
do not walk into this or that town, blink, and find yourself still there for no good reason, lying on the couch of some hostel one month later, the latest in a marathon string of pirated movies flickering on the tv.
do not try to cut down any tree in any jungle anywhere at any time…it would probably be wise to not even cut shrubbery or even a blade of grass.
do not fall in love with anyone, especially wonderful people who you know you will put into slot 2 on your priority list, directly behind this quixotic journey.
do not walk into bars with newfound friends, yelling “drinks are on me!”. those friends will leave in a few days to the next tourist destination and the total in your bank account will sink as if wearing cement shoes.
do not accept candy from strangers. Especially if they are carrying AK-47s.
do not get caught by the FARC, ELN, or any other drug-financed, ideal-blurred organization.
February 13th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
love is undefineable, love is never ending. Shell understand, but do you, if you’ve lost the will to walk, and you come up dry without love; which way were you lead astray. Was it really HER feelings that stopped you, or you’re restlessness? Ur writing seems unhappy, so go make your self happy… is that it. Whatever, none of my biz, but live your life the way you want to, and ask her how she wants to live hers.
love,
impulsive too
February 13th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
profeeee
please put a pic of ur lover!!!
we all want to see!
p.s.
if u already have one up, please label it “my luver” or sumthin! thxx!
February 13th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
What a declaration !!!
Keep your heart strong, anyone is the uncertain answer, because they are not your feet that keeps you going, it´s the heart the motor of life; and is The Will to keep going, the reason of life.
February 13th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Profe you should follow your heart just ask your self one question do you really love her or is it just a hot babe!!!!!!!!!!!!
February 14th, 2008 at 1:26 am
ooo pictures! please do post, profe!!
February 14th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
I know what you mean. It has been worth all the painful digging that I’ve done over the last couple of years to get to a place where I can be with my lovely TK.
Good luck my friend. May love bring you together, walking in step.
February 15th, 2008 at 4:55 am
everyone puts anonymous.
except me. hahaha.
February 15th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
u need to change ur title, it says
“A LONG WALK
follow me as I make steps from tierra del fuego to alaska”
i think people will start going down w/o ur inspiration
February 17th, 2008 at 3:17 am
Hey profe! i dont know if you remember me. My name is Jake Nolton and i was one of your students in 2007 when i was a 8th grader. You were substituting for Mrs. Dralle for the rest of the year. I just rembered your web site and wanted to visit it. Hope your still throwing the grapes haha.
Later Profe
February 17th, 2008 at 4:04 am
Way to go Profe!!! Congratulations man, it’s great that you have finally found “the one.” !Buena suerte, nosotros te estamos animandando!
February 17th, 2008 at 5:22 am
Ian,
You will never regret your decision to try. I believe you truly know when it is the “one”. I had that once but unlike you I never went back.
February 17th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
wow….im surprised everyone is being so negative to you profe! it’s your choice whether or not you want to temporarily end your walk to pursue something even more important to you! i don’t understand why no one gets that! while people may be mad for a while, they’ll realize in time (once they’ve experienced true love) that your decision was not a bad one!
p.s.-will you post a picture of her? she sounds awesome…
February 21st, 2008 at 11:09 pm
AHHHHHHH!!! i figured out her name
i’m so proud of my detective skills.
it’s in your factoid section, profe!!
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:29 am
Profe I had no idea you were so poetic! But congrats. All I can say is that I know exactly what you’re talking about, and it is worth it. The thing is, we don’t get to choose the timing of when people come into our lives and if we’re ready at the time–we just have to react. And a lot of the time we’re really just not ready to face love like that, the all-consuming, this is “the one” person I could wake up to every day for the rest of my life kind. It’s terrifying, and a lot of the time we sabatoge it because it scares the shit out of us. But it’s there, and it’s real. And good for you for finally recognizing it, and not giving up.
February 23rd, 2008 at 8:06 am
I’m smiling for you, Ian. Ahhh, the journey…
March 2nd, 2008 at 2:30 am
do not fall in love with anyone, especially wonderful people who you know you will put into slot 2 on your priority list, directly behind this quixotic journey.
i believe you have just contradicted yourself… hmm. -______-
March 5th, 2008 at 12:52 am
so wat’d she say?! i heard that she said yes, but im not sure how the person that told me would know…haha well i hope she did…now u have 2 post a picture of her!!!
March 8th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
profe!!!!!! answer your emails, dude!!!!
March 13th, 2008 at 4:19 am
KYLEE!!
If you look in the photos section theres like pictures of a wedding or something… i think he has them in like numerical order so like, blah blah, manuela.. etc.
March 18th, 2008 at 2:55 am
profe!! dude! are you like dead or something! write!! answer emails!!! we’re all wondering whats up down there!!!!
March 21st, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Profe - Dude, you gotta keep walking even though you’re waiting. Have her meet you at the next airport, or come back and teach some more.
March 22nd, 2008 at 6:39 pm
This reminded me of you (with the exception of the last frame of the video).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jGcxMHO8OA
::tk::
March 24th, 2008 at 2:18 am
i just watched that video in the comment above and it was EXACTLY like you! Lets hope it doesn’t end up the same, though. haha! great stuff
March 24th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
ianito,
escuche la corazon y todo sera bien. you told me that once, and now i give it back to you, my brother. i believe in you, ianito. you know what to do, why to do it, and who you are doing it for. you are doing what is right for you to do right now in this instance of time. i hope she says yes, my brother, but i know that whatever she says, it will be with love and tenderness and compassion. you could feel at one with no-one less wonderful. aj in pdx
April 4th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Hi Ian
If you really love her, give up your dream now, make yourself available and prove to her that she’s top of your list. I know her, and I would give an limb to be in your position.
Just do it.
Mucha suerte
p.s. The Pilsner’s good, but the Bock’s better!
April 4th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
An limb? A limb. I amended it from ‘an arm’ as either would be well worth the sacrifice.
I just saw this from Anonymous today. I couldn’t have put it better myself ……..
‘Whatever she says, it will be with love and tenderness and compassion. you could feel at one with no-one less wonderful.’
April 5th, 2008 at 12:22 am
seriously profe!!! you need to post something new!! we have no idea wats going on and ive read what if? like 7 times!!! PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
April 6th, 2008 at 2:29 am
haha im guessing u no that last post was me….r u dead? haha thats funny that someone asked that….that would suck…but it could explain for the non-postingness…but waluga hopes ur not…haha please post something new!!! im bored of getting on ur website every day and seeing the same headline (what if?) day after day….plus when i check the comments everyday to see if you’ve posted anything there the number never changes except for like once a week…and thats normally someone either telling you cool for you that youre following the senorita of ur dreams or someone asking if youre dead…which in my opinion is kind of depressing…cuz i dont think you are but im not sure….haha no i no ur not…that would suck…anyway im seeing how long i can make this post but i have to go cuz im eating a yummy calzone that has chicken and guacamole in it….YUMMY!! pretty pretty please with a cherry on top (yummy!) post something new….
April 6th, 2008 at 2:31 am
haha sorry that one part when i said following the senorita of your dreams sounded kinda stalkerish on ur part…didn’t realize that till after i posted it….sorry!!!
April 6th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
still nothing new!!! haha im gonna get on everyday and post this if you dont post something new…oooo good idea on kylee’s part! im hyper right now…
April 7th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
profe life sucks w/o ur freakinn stories. cmon man. like super seriously answer email 2.
brotha
April 8th, 2008 at 1:03 am
u promised!!!
April 9th, 2008 at 1:54 am
update your website cuz it is really boring…i read that thing about your “girfriend” like 80 bajillion times and dont have anything better to do…i have a life, really…just not right now… =/
April 9th, 2008 at 1:58 am
PROFE!!! i just had an amazing idea…if you and your newly found lover lady don’t work out, you should come back to waluga and hook up with ms. fernando, our student teacher for spanish…i bet you would really like her…just saying… =D
ps- unless ms. fernando is already taken…if she is, then disregard this message…
April 9th, 2008 at 2:10 am
PROFE!!! i think today was the only truly exciting day of spanish class since you left…it was all quiet cuz we were doing a writing activity, and then melissa lublink was looking out the window and was like, “oh my god what are those ducks doing?!” And guess what?! a bunch of ducks were mating on lake waluga!!!! first there were three ducks (2 guys and a girl) but then the two guys were fighting and wanted to kill each other, so one flew away, and then the other one very violently stradled the girl duck while the whole 1st period spanish class watched, and nellie/darian/chealsea were commenting on everything…it was pretty nasty…and then ms. fernando opened the window and that girl duck was making the most horrific noises…then melissa was like “oh…they’re makin babies!!”…and you get the picture…
April 10th, 2008 at 1:23 am
omg adam….ur so weird…but i do agree that profe should post something new!! haha
April 10th, 2008 at 1:25 am
thank you adam for that in-depth description of the busy ducks!! but i do agree with him that you should post something new on ur website
April 11th, 2008 at 4:45 am
woow adam…
April 13th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
profe’s website + no new stuff + mating ducks= LAME
April 13th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME
April 15th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
my dearest brother ianito,
stay true to your heart, hermanito, and all will be right. i am thinking of you everyday now…waiting, waiting…my heart is with you, and also with her…ignore all else, for they don’t live in your heart or your head. be true. you know, for you have always lived so.
i hold you in my heart with gentle dove wings. peace to you, hermanito.
aj
April 17th, 2008 at 4:53 am
wow please post something new…u promised you’d now withing the next 2 or so weeks and you said a month ago!!! please im bored!!! haha i get on ur website everyday and theres never anything new…..haha pleassssssseeeeeeeeeee!
April 24th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Does your ladyfriend not enjoy walking? Why does having the one eliminate the other? Was The Walk a surrogate mistress?
Love is a wonderful thing when it nurtures and encourages; it’s muy mal when it encroaches on one’s other interests and inhibits personal freedom.
Best of luck to you, though.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:33 am
Finally! Sad to say I am still having troubles figuring out how to comment. Profe, what you are doing is the way of life. You follow your heart, and you will never regret. So go out and do your thang’ brotha. Personally I think it would be an understatement to say that everyone hear misses you:) Well, its been a while. It would be great to get back in touch. Much love, Allie
May 15th, 2008 at 1:39 am
helllooooo….it appears that you have changed your website…i don’t know how long it has looked like this, but im just now noticing…it’s lookin good, too, by the way!